


Disorganized Crime

by Kittyreaper



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crime Fighting, Fighting, Friendship, Getting Arrested, James Bond fan!England, Organized Crime, Poor Life Choices, Sneaking Around, car crash, dumb internet challenges
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 06:45:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14764622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittyreaper/pseuds/Kittyreaper
Summary: Francis: [Sarcastically:] Let me guess: you want to build a statue of yourself out of butter.Gilbert: No! Although, now that you mention it, that would be totally awesome. Nonetheless, what I’ve planned for us is much, much more urgent than any mere slab of diabetes. Have you heard of the Roof-Dash Challenge?Play in which the BFT + England make bad life choices. Human names are used, as it is a human AU.





	1. Scene I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): Thievery, dangerous internet challenges, general bad life choices, peer pressure, unsanitary handshakes, minor adult language, minor morbid humor

[Lights up. The setting is the town square of a charming central European village. In the middle of the square is a fountain; lots of flowers are planted in the area, and the square is bordered by local shops. People bustle about, carrying on with their business. FRANCIS enters and stands by the fountain. He has a killer taste in fashion, and it shows with his brightly-colored but simple attire. He moves with an air of sophisticated grace. He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number, holding it to his ear.]

 **Francis:** [Into the phone:] Hello! This is Francis, just calling to give you a friendly reminder that you were the one who said in the group chat to get our butts over to the fountain, and it’s rather worrying when you don’t follow through with your own order. [Melodramatic sigh] Anyways, call me back when you get this and please be here soon. Au revoir! [Hangs up and pockets phone]

[Francis approaches the fountain and seats himself on the wide lip of its pool, observing his surroundings. After a brief moment of this, GILBERT shouts from off-stage and enters, a BAKER following soon after while shaking a fist at him. Gilbert’s hair is normally quite a train wreck, and he has slightly pasty skin, tends to slouch, and has a devious feel to him. Francis springs up.]

 **Baker:** Why, you little–

 **Francis:** Gil? What did you do?!

 **Gilbert:** Psh, oh c’mon, it’s not my fault extreme awesomeness apparently doesn’t get you free stuff.

 **Francis:** Oh my god, did you try to steal something from this poor guy?

 **Gilbert:** [Whines] But Franny, he had cute little cakes that looked like baby chicks!

 **Francis:** [To the baker:] I am so sorry, sir. I swear, he’s not normally like this! He–he just really, really likes birds.

 **Baker:** [Shakes his head disapprovingly] This is the fifth time this month your friend here’s tried to rob me of my cakes. If he does it again, I’m banning him from my shop, period. [Exits while mumbling angrily]

 **Francis:** [Whacks Gilbert upside the head] What’s wrong with you? Do you think I like bailing you out all the time?! Honestly, if Antonio were here–

[ANTONIO enters upstage of Gilbert and Francis. Antonio’s hair is slightly mussed, but in a really cute kind of way. He’s not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, and he comes across as a little distant because he frequently zones out. His skin is tanned and littered with dirt scuffs and bandaids from accidentally crashing into things. He looks around for a moment, kind of lost, then begins approaching the two as they continue talking.]

 **Gilbert:** If Antonio were here, he’d be helping me get those delicious chickies!

 **Francis:** Please, if Antonio were here, he’d side with me. He’d march right up to you and–

 **Antonio:** [Gets in-between Gilbert and Francis, wrapping an arm around each one’s shoulder]

                                                                                                                                         And what?

 **Francis:** Ah, Antonio! Guess what Gilbert did again.

 **Antonio:** Oh no, don’t tell me he peed in the fountain.

 **Gilbert:** That was one time!

 **Francis:** And also why we don’t go drinking in the square on New Year’s anymore. Anyways, Gilbert tried to steal from that poor man who makes the cakes shaped like birds.

 **Antonio:** [Looks at Gilbert pointedly] Gil!

 **Gilbert:** I couldn’t help it, okay?!

 **Antonio:** Yeah, but that’s why you’re supposed to work on that. You can’t keep going down this path of crime and edible birds!

 **Francis:** [Nods head] Wise words the fool speaks.

 **Antonio:** [Laughs] It’s funny because it’s true!

[Gilbert detaches himself from the others, slightly pacing.]

 **Gilbert:** Moving on from my questionable habits, I’ve called you here today for something of the utmost importance.

 **Francis:** [Sarcastically:] Let me guess: you want to build a statue of yourself out of butter.

 **Gilbert:** No! Although, now that you mention it, that would be totally awesome. Nonetheless, what I’ve planned for us is much, much more urgent than any mere slab of diabetes. Have you heard of the Roof-Dash Challenge?

 **Antonio:** The what?

 **Gilbert:** The Roof-Dash Challenge! It’s been all over the internet lately, and it’s awesome!

 **Francis:** What then, pray tell, is this ‘Roof-Dash’ you speak of?

 **Gilbert:** It’s where you take your car, drive it from rooftop to rooftop, and videotape it.

 **Francis:** That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.

 **Gilbert:** It is not! It’s totally awesome!

 **Antonio:** Whoa, whoa, wait a second, I’m kind of confused. What do you do again?

 **Francis:** You drive a car off a roof and plead to God you don’t crash into the side of the nearest building.

 **Gilbert:** Guys, no, this takes a lot of skill and it’s really cool! Like, you have to build up just the right amount of momentum to drive your car off the roof and land safely on the other building’s. That has to count for something, right?

 **Francis:** [Puts hand on Gilbert’s shoulder] Gil, listen, I know it’s all you have, but I think you need to stop spending so much time on the internet. It’s making you act a little crazy. And by a little, I mean a lot.

 **Antonio:** I don’t know, I think we should do it.

 **Francis:** You what?!

 **Gilbert:** Aw, yes! See, Toni’s there for me! [Does a victory dance] Oo, oo, oo, oo, suck it, Francis! Suck it! [Plays an air guitar]

 **Francis:** But– wait– hold on a moment, is this even legal?!

 **Gilbert:** [Waves him off] Ah, who cares? It’s just a fun little game.

 **Francis:** Yeah, a fun little game that could get us thrown in jail!

 **Antonio:** Hey, weren’t we already thrown in jail?

 **Gilbert:** Oh yeah, the killjoy slammer from Wacky Land Amusement Park! Don’t worry, Francis; if we can survive Warden Clowney, we can survive anything!

 **Francis:** [Throws hands in the air] You people are idiots! I can’t believe you’re seriously considering this!

 **Gilbert:** [To Antonio:] So, since Franny doesn’t want in on it, we taking your car or mine?

 **Francis:** Guys!

 **Antonio:** [To Gilbert:] Oo, let’s take mine! I need a new one anyways!

 **Francis:** You can’t just drive off a roof, you know!

 **Gilbert:** Sounds good to me, tonight at eight?

 **Francis:** This is stupid!

 **Antonio:** Hell, just make it three this afternoon.

 **Francis:** You could die!

 **Gilbert:** [Sarcastically to Francis:] Yeah, well, if we’re going to die, we might as well go out in a blaze of glory. For the trio or what? [Spits in his hand, then puts it face-up in-between him, Francis, and Antonio]

 **Antonio:** [Follows suit, spitting in his hand and placing it face-down on top of Gilbert’s] For the trio!

 **Francis:** [Looks between the two, then sighs loudly and spits in his own hand, placing it face-down on top of Antonio’s] Alright, for the trio.

 **All Three:** One, two, let’s do it! [Raise hands from pile and cheer, Francis half-heartedly]

 **Gilbert:** Great! This afternoon at three, we’ll meet up at Toni’s place. I’ll bring the camera, we’ll use Antonio’s car, and Francis’ll bring his guts for once. See ya! [Exits]

 **Francis:** My God, we’re all going to die because of an internet challenge.

 **Antonio:** Eh, at least we’ll die together, right? Anyways, I’ve got to get going. See you at three! [Exits as lights go out]

[End of Scene I.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprisingly enough, I am not, in fact, dead.  
> This is something I wrote for my end of the quarter drama piece in Creative Writing I, freshman year. It's been sitting in my Drive for about two years now, sad and lonely, so I decided to finally post it. There are ten scenes in total, and each will be a chapter. The whole thing's pre-written.  
> In case you're curious, this, from one of F. Scott Fitzgerald's prompt lists, was the inspiration behind this play: “Driving over the rooftops on a bet.”  
> PSA: The Roof-Dash-Challenge is not a real internet challenge--thank everything good and just in the world--nor should it ever become one. It's extremely dangerous and very stupid. Don't do anything these characters are doing. You could end up in the hospital, or worse. Thank you.  
> 


	2. Scene II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): Peer pressure, general bad ideas, implied car crash

[Lights up. The setting is the front of Antonio’s house. His yard features an extensive tomato garden. Antonio stands on his lawn, waiting. Gilbert and Francis enter.]

 **Gilbert:** Aw, c’mon, don’t be chicken! We can totally do this!

 **Francis:**  No, no, we can’t.

 **Antonio:** Oh, hey guys! [Approaches the two]

 **Gilbert:** Hey, you ready to get this party started?

 **Francis:** No.

 **Gilbert:** [Shushes Francis] Shut up, Captain Buzzkill.

 **Antonio:** I’m ready if you are!

 **Gilbert:** In that case, to the awesome-mobile!

 **Francis:** [Groans] You’re never going to listen to me, are you?

 **Gilbert and Antonio:** Nope!

[Lights down. Sound effects: car doors opening and closing, car starting up, driving. Dialogue continues in the meantime.]

 **Antonio:** So, where were you thinking we would do it?

 **Gilbert:** Oh, yeah, you know that one part of the mall that has a parking area on its roof?

 **Antonio:** Off Saint Mary Street?

 **Gilbert:** That one! That one! We’re going to drive off the parking area and onto the apartment building next door.

 **Antonio:** [Laughs] Man, this is going to be crazy!

 **Gilbert:** Yeah! Hey, Francis, you alright back there?

 **Francis:** [Pouts] Fine.

 **Antonio:** [Sincere:] Francis, look, you really don’t have to do this. If you want, Gil can pull over right now and let you out.

 **Gilbert:** Yeah, but then he’ll be a chicken. Bawk, bawk!

 **Antonio:** Gil, stop being mean! [To Francis:] Are you sure you’re okay?

 **Francis:** [Sighs] Well, if you idiots are going to get yourselves killed, I might as well come with, right?

[Gilbert and Antonio cheer]

 **Gilbert:** In that case, let’s do this!

[Sound effect: engine revs and trails off into the distance; a short while later, a loud crash is heard, followed by four shouts belonging to Gilbert, Francis, Antonio, and ARTHUR. End of Scene II.]


	3. Scene III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're getting this scene a day early because I have to write a Chemistry essay tomorrow and I'm not sure I'll A.) have the time to post, B.) remember to post. By the way, thank you to everyone who's given this play kudos so far. I hope what follows lives up to your expectations!  
> Warning(s): Mentioned car crash, minor adult language

[Lights up, showing Gilbert, Antonio, and Francis sitting on a bench at the police station. Francis has a shock blanket wrapped about his shoulders and seems very shaken up. Arthur and a POLICE OFFICER enter, Arthur facing away from Gilbert, Antonio, and Francis. Arthur is fairly well put together, wearing a sweater vest, a button-down underneath, and comfortable-looking pants and shoes. He speaks with a British accent.]

**Police Officer:** So, please tell me what happened, Mr. … ?

**Arthur:** [Snippy] Arthur Kirkland. My name is Arthur Kirkland. I’m a twenty-year-old English major from the U.K. living in a terrible apartment in the middle of town and working for a mediocre coffee shop. I didn’t have work today, so I was cooking a late lunch, when  _ some absolute psychopaths drove a run-down minivan into my living room _ !

**Police Officer:** [Records his testimony on a notepad] And just who were the ones in the minivan?

**Arthur:** Three men around my age, maybe a little older. The one driving looked awfully pale, as if he never gets out, and wore ratty jeans and a sweatshirt.

**Gilbert:** [Mutters to himself:] Hey, I get out sometimes…

**Arthur:** The second just sat there and gaped stupidly. He had this strange glaze to his eyes, sort of like an idiot.

**Antonio:** I bet he’s talking about me.

**Arthur:** I think they called him something like Anthony? Andres? Whatever, you get the point.

**Antonio:** [Throws hands in the air] See? I told you it was me!

**Arthur:** The third, to be frank, looked like a douche. He had this pompous air about him and reeked of frou-frou French cologne. [Disgusted look]

**Francis:** [Glares] I’m wearing a shock blanket, and he thinks I’m a douche?

**Police Officer:** [Puts notepad in a pocket] Alright, if that’s all, I’ll be on my way. Do you plan on pressing charges?

**Arthur:** [Sighs] I don’t know. I mean, I’ve got school, work; how am I supposed to make time for court when I’ve got college debt to pay off?

**Police Officer:** [Gives Arthur a sympathetic pat on the shoulder] Good luck, then. I’ll be off. [Exits]

**Arthur:** [Turns around absent-mindedly; jumps when he notices Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio; points at the three accusingly] You! You were the ones who crashed into my roof!

**Gilbert:** Psh, it’s not that bad!

**Arthur:** There is a minivan where my TV used to be!

**Gilbert:** Okay, so maybe it is that bad, but hey, at least we got it on tape, right, Antonio? [Turns to Antonio with a grin]

**Antonio:** [Fiddling with a demolished camera] Uh… about that.

**Francis:** And this is why I didn’t want to do it. Why do I still hang out with you?

**Gilbert:** Antonio! I was counting on you! Man, now we don’t even have video evidence to prove we did it.

**Arthur:** Did what? Destroy my apartment?!

**Gilbert:** The Roof-Dash Challenge!

**Arthur:** [Confused and slightly horrified] The what?

**Francis:** It’s some dumb, life-threatening internet fad.

**Gilbert:** It’s the awesomest thing ever!

**Arthur:** Hold on a moment, so you mean to say you completely trashed my housing purely for the sake of digital bragging rights?!

**Gilbert:** [Huffs, arms crossed] Please, this was the coolest thing you’ve ever been a part of and you know it.

**Francis:** Again, I wanted nothing to do with this.

**Antonio:** [To Arthur:] Hey, what’s-your-face, mind taking a picture with us? I mean, sure it’s not the video Gil wanted, but at least it’s something, right?

**Gilbert:** Ooh, yeah! [Hops up excitedly and pulls out his phone, pressing a few buttons before gesturing to the others] Come on, guys! This one’s going on my blog!

[Antonio and Francis stand to join him, Francis more reluctantly, and Gilbert wraps an arm around Arthur’s shoulder, ignoring how pissed off Arthur is by now.]

**Gilbert:** Say Roof-Dash!

[Francis and Antonio say ‘Roof-Dash’ with Gilbert while Arthur tries to remove Gilbert’s arm from around him, but futilely, as he’s physically weak. After a click and a flash from the phone, they separate, Gilbert tapping the screen and casually wandering off to the side.]

**Gilbert:** [Snickers] My followers are going to be so jealous. Bet they don’t have the guts to do something as awesome as this!

**Francis:** [To Arthur:] I really am sorry about my idiot friends. You’re not going to press charges on us, are you?

**Arthur:** You got off lucky this time; I’m afraid I can’t afford it right now. [Raises pointer finger] But, you morons are helping me clean up and pay for this mess.

**Francis:** [Nods] Yes, yes, of course. I can come over Saturdays and Sundays, but for the rest of the week I have either school or work. Antonio?

**Antonio:** [Snaps out of a daze] Hm? Oh, yeah, sure.

**Francis:** [Snaps fingers in front of Antonio’s face] Antonio, focus.

[Police Officer returns, holding a file folder.]

**Police Officer:** [To Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio:] You three, Chief’s office, now.

**Francis:** [To Arthur:] We’ll discuss this later.

[Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert begin to exit as the lights dim. End of Scene III.]


	4. Scene IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet again, you get a scene early because I'll be busy tomorrow. By the way, this play can now also be found on FFN!  
> Warning(s): Invasions of personal privacy regarding mail, organized crime, minor violence, corrupt law enforcers, mentioned dysfunctional family relationships, mentioned car crash, Natalia

[Lights up. The setting is the CHIEF OF POLICE’s office, a desk and spinning desk chair on one side of the office, a door on the other. One wall has two large bookcases on it, a file cabinet sits next to the desk, and on the desk are a laptop and various papers. Police Officer opens the door, guiding Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio inside. Police Officer remains leaning against the door frame.]

**Police Officer:** The Chief was on break when we were called in, so you’ll have to bear with us for a moment. [Sternly, pointing at the three] Don’t do anything to get yourselves in more trouble than you’re already in. [Exits]

**Gilbert:** [As soon as the door closes] We should look through their stuff.

**Francis:** Oh no, no, no, no, no, you heard the officer. We are  _ not _ doing anything stupid, okay? We’re done with that.

**Gilbert:** But–

**Francis:**          No!

**Antonio:** [Already looking through the file cabinet.] Oh, look, a shady envelope sent to the Chief with no return address!

**Francis:** [Slinks to Antonio, leaning over his shoulder, and grabs one corner of the letter] Gimme.

[Gilbert joins them.]

**Antonio:** [Reads aloud:] “My dearest Natalia, I can never apologize enough for leaving you alone somewhere in central Europe. The idea of you and our big sister having to take care of yourselves in a strange place deeply saddens me. However, I have good news! The Bratva plans on setting up a branch in the neighboring continent, and I convinced them to send me to your town with some others to do so. Isn’t that great?

I can’t wait to see you and big sister Yekaterina again… Well, okay, I’ll occasionally have to run off and do not-so-nice things in the middle of the night, but it’s better than nothing. Anyways, I’ll see you at the airport on Friday night at 22 hours.

Love, Ivan.”

[Looks between Francis and Gilbert] Hey, guys, what’s the Bratva?

**Gilbert:** Holy shit, dude, I think I heard on the internet that’s what they call the Russian mafia!

**Francis:** [Whacks Gilbert upside the head] Now look what you’ve done!

**Gilbert:** Ow! What this time?!

**Francis:** Are you kidding me?! This is organized crime we’re talking about! We’ve found evidence that the Russian mafia plans on setting up camp in town and causing trouble; it’d be absolutely  _ criminal _ to retain this information!

**Gilbert:** Alright, no biggie. We’ll just bring this to the police and–

**Francis:** But we can’t! This was a letter sent to the _Chief of Police_. Clearly, she’ll want to help her brother, not us. We can’t tell the police, because their leader’s in on it! Gilbert, why did you have to get us into this mess?!

**Gilbert:** In my defense, Toni’s the one who picked out that letter in the first place!

**Antonio:** [Having zoned out] Huh? What? What’s happening?

**Gilbert and Francis:** Antonio! Focus!

**Antonio:** [Pouts] I was just thinking, is all…

**Francis:** About  _ what _ ? Live in the present; this is kind of important, you know!

[Gilbert and Francis look at each other in increasing bafflement as Antonio speaks.]

**Antonio:**  I mean, we’ve got to know someone who’ll help us out with this, right? I’m just going over who that would most likely be. It can’t be Gil’s brother, because he’ll automatically want to go to the police; it can’t be Francis’s cousins, because they’re not cut out for this sort of thing and wouldn’t want anything to do with it; it can’t be my brother, because he kind of hates me… You guys got any ideas?

**Gilbert:** Huh, that’s actually pretty clever of you, Toni. I’m proud.

**Francis:** Yeah, good thinking. And here Gil and I were, arguing about blame! [Laughs]

**Antonio:** Oh! What about that guy whose house we crashed into? Do you think he might be willing to help us out? He seems like an upstanding citizen who would want to keep the Bratva out of our town.

**Gilbert:** Are you sure about him? I’m pretty sure he’s pissed at us for, ya’ know, driving your car into the roof of his apartment.

**Francis:** Nonetheless, he could have useful connections, even if he doesn’t want to help personally. I think it’s worth a shot.

[At this point, the door opens once more, and in enters the Chief of Police herself, NATALIA ARLOVSKAYA. She’s short, wears a perfectly-kept uniform, and walks with flawless posture; she’s a real enforcer of the law if these three have ever seen one. Despite her height, she somehow manages to be very, very intimidating. She comes across as rather uncaring and has a heavy eastern European accent.]

**Natalia:** [Glares at the trio] I was on break. I am not happy.

**Francis:** [Forces laughter] Yes, well, I’m dreadfully sorry about that, and why don’t you talk to Gilbert? [Moves Gilbert to stand between him and Natalia] He’s our leader!

**Gilbert:** Wait, what?! I don’t want to talk to her!

**Francis:** Gil, don’t be rude. [Walks to the other side of the room before Gilbert can continue protesting]

**Gilbert:** [Nervous and thoroughly intimidated] Kesese… nice weather we’re having?

[Natalia glowers. Lights dim, end of Scene IV.]


	5. Scene V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): Mention of organized crime, stealing, minor adult language, minor mention of violence

[Lights up. The setting is the inside of a supermarket; a long shelf goes along the back wall, filled with junk food cereal. Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio walk around, Antonio carrying a basket. Gilbert seems stressed.]

**Gilbert:** [Groans] I can’t believe you guys just went and made me explain everything to the scary military chick whose brother’s in the Russian mafia!

**Francis:** [Grabs a box of cereal and handing it to Antonio, who puts it in the basket] Oh, please, you were the one who got us into this mess. You’re the one getting us out of it.

**Gilbert:** Yeah, but still. That Chief of Police gives me the creeps!

**Francis:** Aside from your issues with law enforcement, the letter said the Bratva was arriving by plane tonight, right? Then we should have some time to gather our bearings while they gather theirs.

**Gilbert:** [Scratches his head] Wait, what time did it say they were showing up, again? That detail must’ve slipped over my head or something.

**Antonio:** [Digs around in his pocket and produces a folded-up piece of paper as he speaks] Oh, do you want to see it?

**Francis and Gilbert:** [Gasp] Antonio!

**Gilbert:** Dude, why the hell do you even have that?!

**Antonio:** What? I thought it’d be better to have it than not.

**Francis:** [Slightly pacing] Oh God, this is bad. This is  _ so _ bad. [Turns to Antonio and Gilbert] Antonio, do you know what this means?

**Antonio:** Uh… that we have a piece of paper? [Unfolds paper]

**Francis:** If we have the letter, then this means the Chief of Police doesn’t. [Emphasizes:] This means she could figure out we read it!

**Antonio:** Oh. Well that’s not good.

**Francis:** No, it’s not! It’s not good at all!

**Gilbert:** Oh shit, you don’t think she’ll send the Bratva after us, do you? I’m too young to get whacked!

**Francis:** [Takes deep breaths] Okay, okay, let’s all just try to calm down a moment. It looks like we don’t have quite as much time as we’d initially thought, as this has turned into a race against the clock to stop the Bratva before the Chief discovers the letter’s missing and that we were the ones who took it. [Turns sharply on his heel] First, we need to get a cake. Something tells me Arthur’s going to want a peace offering before he cooperates. [Exits]

**Antonio:** So, does this mean we’re taking a pass on movie night?

[Gilbert simply pats Antonio on the shoulder before moving to exit as well. Lights dim, end of Scene V.]


	6. Scene VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): Property damage, minor adult language, reading other people's mail, mention of organized crime, mention of vigilantism? Sort of?

[Lights up. The setting is Arthur’s apartment. It’s relatively nice, nicer than one would think from Arthur’s initial description of it, but in the top-middle of the back wall, where a T.V. would have been, is a giant, gaping hole. Arthur sits in a green armchair, a plain coffee table in front of it with another armchair and a couch nearby—all of it matching—reading a book while elegantly sipping tea. Sound effect: a doorbell rings.]

 **Arthur:** [Mutters to himself:] Who in the hell would be at my door?

[Arthur puts his book and teacup on the coffee table and stands, heading to the door and opening it. Francis peeks his head in, holding a cake.]

 **Francis:** We brought cake.

[Arthur slams the door on him.]

 **Arthur:** Go away!

[Frantic knocking on the door begins.]

 **Gilbert:** Aw, c’mon, we even brought a peace offering! What more do you want from us?!

 **Arthur:** My apartment back to its spotless condition!

 **Francis:** Arthur, please, just let us in for a moment! It’s really important!

[Arthur glares at the door for a few more seconds, seething, then reluctantly slams open the door once more, muttering curses under his breath.]

 **Arthur:** Consider yourselves lucky I’m even giving you the time of day. [Stomps further into his apartment, planting himself onto the armchair]

[The other three each take a seat, Francis setting the cake on the coffee table.]

 **Arthur:** [Grumpily] What type of cake is it?

 **Francis:** We originally thought of going with vanilla, but that felt boring–

 **Antonio:** [Cheerful]                                                                                  It’s black forest cake!

 **Arthur:** [Sighs] Alright, I suppose I accept your offering. What is it you wanted to talk about?

 **Francis:** [Smiles, adjusting himself] Ah, yes. You know how the last we saw each other, Gil, Tonie, and I were called to the Chief of Police’s office?

 **Arthur:** Yes, what of it?

 **Francis:** Well, we found something not-so-nice about the Chief. Antonio, please show him the letter.

 **Antonio:** [Pulls the folded-up letter from his pocket, then hands it over to Arthur with a smile] Here you go!

[Arthur unfolds the letter, then takes a moment to read it, eyes moving back and forth over the page. He freezes after reading, slowly looking up at Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio.]

 **Arthur:** Isn’t the Chief of Police’s name Natalia Arlovskaya?

 **Francis:** Exactly. Obviously, we can’t go to the police about the arriving Russian mafia.

 **Arthur:** [Begins to freak out] Shit, this is bad. This is really, really bad. How do you even plan on stopping this? I mean, they’re the Bratva! This is their job; how can you guys compare to that?!

 **Gilbert:** [Shrugs] We can at least try. You wanna help us out or not?

 **Arthur:** B-but what can I help _with_? I’m not particularly talented, or skilled, or athletic, or good at anything especially useful. Why would you want my help?!

 **Antonio:** You seem pretty smart to me. Besides, we mainly need to figure out what we’re going to do next, so we don’t need someone talented. We just need someone good at making decisions!

 **Gilbert:** Yeah, you said earlier you’re an English major, right? Based on that, you’ve got to have at least an idea of what we should do.

 **Francis:** You don’t have to get involved if you don’t want to, but right now, we need your help.

 **Arthur:** [Pauses for a moment, looking between the other three, then glances back down to the letter] Well, I guess I don’t have a choice. [Clenches his fist] Count me in.

[Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert smile. Gilbert goes over to Arthur and pats him on the back affectionately.]

 **Gilbert:** Welcome to the club, Artie!

 **Arthur:** [Resigned] I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?

[Lights dim, end of scene VI.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of stuff happened. I kind of regret life.
> 
> Regardless, I'm going to really try and post the rest at a reasonable time. Sorry I dropped off the face of the Earth for a bit.


	7. Scene VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): Breaking and entering, adult language, mentioned organized crime, James Bond Fan!Arthur

[Lights up. The setting is outside the police station, near a window leading to the Chief’s office. Arthur, Francis, Gilbert, and Antonio enter cautiously. Arthur, in front, motions for the others to pause, peering up into the window. Arthur turns to the others.]

**Arthur:** Alright, so Gilbert’s going to lift Francis onto his shoulders so he can open and climb through the window. Then, Francis will turn on the lights. Meanwhile, Gilbert will lift me as well. Once I’m in, Gilbert and Antonio will be the lookouts. The code for someone coming is “Sugar Honey Iced Tea.” Are there any questions?

[Antonio raises his hand.]

**Arthur:** Yes, Antonio?

**Antonio:** Why are Gilbert and I on lookout duty?

**Arthur:** Because you’ve caused enough snooping-related trouble already and I don’t trust Gilbert not to make things worse.

**Gilbert:** Hey!

**Arthur:** Anyone else?

**Francis:** [Raises a few fingers] Yes, is there a reason for the code? Wouldn’t it be easier to say “Someone’s coming?”

**Arthur:** You, shut up. That’s not how sneaking works.

**Gilbert:** [Groans] Oh great, he’s a Bond fanatic, isn’t he?

**Arthur:** [Flustered because it’s true] I said shut up! Now, are you just going to stand around all night or are you going to help Francis inside?

**Gilbert:** Yeah, yeah, whatever… [Mutters curses]

[Gilbert stands right beneath the window, then squats down to lift Francis. He gets Francis to a height at which he can easily reach the window and open it. Francis does so, carefully moves to almost stand on Gilbert’s shoulders, and climbs into the window. Sound effect: crashes sound as Francis falls into the office. The others look at the window in concern, but Francis’s head pops up from inside a moment later.]

**Francis:** I’m alright! I merely might have knocked over some things…

**Arthur:** [Sighs, face-palming] You people utterly fail at secret agent work.

**Gilbert:** Oh, put a sock in it, twinkle-toes. As if you could do any better!

[As Gilbert repeats the process with Arthur, a light turns on from inside the window. Antonio keeps close surveillance over the area. Arthur slips inside, and a few more crashing noises erupt, along with a few British obscenities.]

**Gilbert:** You alright in there?

**Arthur:** Just fucking  _ peachy _ !

**Francis:** What are we looking for, again?

**Arthur:** [Standing up noises] Fuck… I don’t know, secret codes, plans for a bank robbery, a list of people involved…

**Francis:** The location of their soon-to-be HQ?

**Arthur:** Yeah, something like that.

**Francis:** Well, good news: guess who just found the exact address of their homebase?

**Arthur:** My God, really? This is great! Oh, I even know where that is. It’s within walking distance of my apartment, right where that florist used to be.

**Antonio:** [Gazes intently off-stage to stage-left] Um, hey, guys?

**Arthur:** Hey, do you think we can find even more if we look around enough? I mean, I get that she’s still the Chief of Police and probably has a limited amount of clutter she can hide things like this in, but…

**Antonio:** Hey, guys?

**Francis:** I’ll take this pile, while you start on the file cabinet.

**Antonio:** [Raises his voice] Hey, guys?

**Arthur:** Splendid.

**Antonio:** [Close to yelling at this point] Hey, guys?!

**Gilbert, Francis, and Arthur:** What?

**Antonio:** I think someone’s coming.

**Arthur:** Oh, shit! Gilbert, quick, we’re coming down.

[Gilbert stands under the window once more and catches Arthur as he jumps out the window, setting him on the ground before repeating the process with Francis.]

**Arthur:** [To Francis:] You got the address, right?

**Francis:** [Nods head] Yup!

**Antonio:** Great, because we need to leave, like,  _ now. _

[The four run off-stage on stage-right as Police Officer enters from stage-left and looks around. Lights dim, end of Scene VII.]


	8. Scene VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): Mentions of organized crime, mentions of theft, mentions of breaking-and-entering, peer pressure, mentions of a venomous snake, monologues

[Lights up. The setting is Francis’s apartment, the chic, sleek epitome of style. Four chairs are situated around a circular table; Arthur, Gilbert, and Antonio are seated. The table’s obscured with papers that detail a building’s layout. Francis enters, carrying a tray with a pot of coffee, mugs, and a plate of cookies. He sets the objects on the tray on the table, careful not to put any on top of the papers.]

**Arthur:** You really didn’t have to bake cookies, you know.

**Francis:** Nonsense! It’s only polite for a host to feed his guests, no?

**Gilbert:** [Already digging into the plate of cookies] That’s just Franny for ya’. You get used to it. Real, real used to it… [Eats more cookies]

**Antonio:** [Eats a cookie] Mm, these are really good, Francis!

**Francis:** [Preens] It was nothing. So, what’s the plan?

**Arthur:** [Points to the building layout] After digging around a bit, I managed to find the layout of the building that, according to the paper we found in the Chief’s office, should be the hideout of the Bratva. I’ve circled here, here, and here all the possible places we could enter and not likely be seen.

**Gilbert:** Also, I did some internet research on the Chief and the names brought up in the letter. Apparently, she really does have an older sister, Yekaterina Braginskaya, and an older brother, Ivan Braginsky. She and her sister came to this country from Russia in high school with no education and almost nothing to their names, but they’ve managed pretty well since then. From the letter, I think it’s safe to assume that they got here with the help of the Bratva.

**Francis:** Do we know what we’re doing?

**Arthur:** Eh, sort of. We’re thinking about sabotaging them so they don’t cause as much trouble, correct?

**Francis:** Pretty much.

**Arthur:** Then, I think we have just about all the information we need. The next step is to come up with a plan of action.

**Antonio:** [Pensive] Hey, guys?

**Arthur:** Yes?

**Antonio:** Is this illegal?

**Arthur:** Most likely, but for a good cause. It’s not like we can go to the police about this, right?

**Antonio:** I guess…

**Gilbert:** Toni, you having doubts on us?

**Antonio:** Maybe I’m a little concerned. Like, what if we get caught? What then? This is getting really dangerous.

**Francis:** [Puts a comforting hand on Antonio’s shoulder] Listen, if you want to step out, there’s no pressure.

**Antonio:** You don’t mind? I’d hate to leave you guys to fix this on your own…

**Gilbert:** [Bitter] Yeah, well, life’s getting a little risky for us these days, so it’s probably best you ditch anyways.

**Antonio:** Gil, you know I don’t-

**Gilbert:** Yeah, yeah, I get it. As soon as shit hits the fan, you abandon ship! But  _ hey _ , I guess that’s just how you are.

**Francis:** Gilbert.

**Gilbert:** [Stands, voice gradually raising] Oh no, no, no, no, no, it’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal at all. It’s not a  _ big deal _ that Antonio, one of the two guys who have been with me since first grade, faithfully sticking by my side through thick and thin, is now walking out on me when it’s not even the first time things have gone wrong.

**Francis:** Gil, you’re overreacting.

**Gilbert:** [Turns to Antonio, pointing accusingly] Do you remember in middle school when we thought it’d be fun to steal a snake at the zoo? You didn’t complain then. You didn’t slowly back away while saying, [Mocking imitation of Antonio’s voice:] “I don’t know, guys. This seems kind of dangerous.” No, you didn’t. You walked right up to that glass case, picked up your ice pack, and started pounding away. So, tell me,  _ how come _ you were so willing to break a venomous snake out of the zoo that day, but now, when we need you most, you think it’s too crazy for us?

[Voice cracks]

I thought you were my friend, Toni. I thought you would always be there for me. [Looks down, smiling humorlessly] Can’t you see I’m scared? My hands won’t stop shaking. No matter how big I act, or how much I hide my emotions behind a happy façade, I don’t want to die.

[Exits]

**Antonio:** Wait, Gil! [Exits]

[Francis and Arthur remain around the table, speechless and looking in the direction Gilbert and Antonio exited.]

**Arthur:** Well, that doesn’t look good.

[Francis exits.]

**Arthur:** [Calling after Francis:] Wha- hey! Don’t just leave me! Oh, bugger.

[Lights dim, end of scene VIII.]

**Author's Note:**

> Surprisingly enough, I am not, in fact, dead.  
> This is something I wrote for my end of the quarter drama piece in Creative Writing I, freshman year. It's been sitting in my Drive for about two years now, sad and lonely, so I decided to finally post it. There are ten scenes in total, and each will be a chapter. The whole thing's pre-written.  
> In case you're curious, this, from one of F. Scott Fitzgerald's prompt lists, was the inspiration behind this play: “Driving over the rooftops on a bet.”  
> PSA: The Roof-Dash-Challenge is not a real internet challenge--thank everything good and just in the world--nor should it ever become one. It's extremely dangerous and very stupid. Don't do anything these characters are doing. You could end up in the hospital, or worse. Thank you.  
> 


End file.
